So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
