Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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