Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
