The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
