so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
