You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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