He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
It's never too late to be topless.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
