Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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