Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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