I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
