I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
