summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
my shit smells like andre
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
