I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
