Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
