I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
God, you're like boner-b-gone
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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