Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
