I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
MIDGETS
????
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
