I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
