I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
did i walk over a car last night?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
