I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
