Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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