he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
