is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
