She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
