your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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