My sheets look like a crime scene.
she woke up with a sticky ear
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
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