I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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