I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
and you fell through a lawn chair
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
