Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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