Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
