you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Randomize
