btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Couch. On fire.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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