I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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