You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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