i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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