One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
