Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
