Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
