I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
