Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
