I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
