It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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