ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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