u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
