i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
