I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We left an ass print on the piano.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
