Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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