i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
