are you still at the devil's house?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
