So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
